Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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