I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
