don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.