I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.