is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
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I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
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Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are