you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
