He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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