Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
