Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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