when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
