He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
