I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
