Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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