some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He shit in the fireplace
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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