Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
