if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
