please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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