apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
