you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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