Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
