ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
