where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
