I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My cat gives me a boner
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
