I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
