just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
