ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
They are going to name an STD after you.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
