apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
