Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
