a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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