I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
