First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
