and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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