Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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