I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
