who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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