My nipple is on Facebook.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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