I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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