1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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