i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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