My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
