my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
