I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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