we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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