I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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