if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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