We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
