Too much gin, very little bucket
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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