we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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