i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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