Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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