It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
