how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
