I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
