Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
