Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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