I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
