I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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