Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
