The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Randomize
